Where Did She Go?

I grew up skinny. I was so skinny that my doctors were concerned and put me on a "gain weight quick" diet which consisted of daily milkshakes. Even though I generally ate healthily, I never had to think twice about a second bowl of ice cream or eating whatever I wanted. I loved fruits and vegetables and was often found eating a tomato sprinkled with salt and pepper as an after school snack. I also loved fast food and was often found driving through Del Taco to get a quesadilla and two hard tacos. Basically, as a child and teenager, these habits were formed and have made making good choices much more difficult now that I have stopped playing sports, had children, and developed much slower metabolism.

17 years old and super-skinny.

At 22, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant.... not with just one baby, but 3! On one of my first appointments, my doctor told me that I was slightly underweight and had to gain enough weight for the babies to grow healthily. The goal was 60 lbs. by the time that I was 32 weeks pregnant. Well, they were born at 26 weeks and I had gained 45 lbs.. I was right on track according to what my doctor wanted me to gain, but all of a sudden I was thrown into a medical world of premature infants and had no free time to try and lose it. We also lost one of the babies. This led to depression and I honestly didn't really care about what I ate or did at that point.

Home comes the babies and I had to deal with an impossible preemie schedule that consisted of feeding 2 babies around the clock. I was also not supposed to take them out in public because of their compromised immune systems. I am not a homebody and am very much a people person, so this was particularly trying for me. Also, how was I supposed to work out regularly when I was only getting 30 minutes of sleep at a time around the clock for 6 months?  For the first time in my life, I started drinking large amounts of soda and became severely addicted to it. I needed the caffeine to get through my day and that was the easiest way for me to get it.

When my boys turned 2, I was finally back to a healthy weight. However, I hadn't dealt with a lot of the depression issues and was irritated with myself for not losing the last 15 lbs. to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I would try hard and then fail. I would exercise at 6 am before my boys (who at that point had been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy) woke up and try my hardest to watch my calorie intake. But, fast food still called to me and I was so exhausted that it seemed like an easy solution to me not having time or wanting to cook a meal.

My boys were 2. This is where I want to be again.

It was when the boys were 2 1/2 that I found out that I was expecting my daughter. While I was ecstatic at the prospect of having a little girl and a more normal pregnancy, I was also terrified about my weight. I was already heavier when I got pregnant with her than I was with the boys and I knew that my eating and exercise habits sucked. I had begun doing something about my depression at this point, but I still used eating as a crutch.

Fast forward 5 years. I now have two 7-year old boys with special needs and a typical 4-year old little girl. My days are very busy including homeschooling one of my sons and providing therapy for both boys on top of the normal mom activities. I have somehow gotten lost in the mix and I have somehow gotten lost in a foreign body. Where did that skinny girl go?

My "before" picture.

I am no longer at a healthy weight and I am embarrassed to say that I have let it get so out of hand. This blog is about me losing the weight and getting back to a point that I am healthy. 

I have already begun this weight loss journey. I have to date lost 17 lbs. and am working on losing much more. My goal is to be back to where I was when the boys were 2 years old. It was a healthy weight for me and I was overall happy with how I looked. I need to be there for my kids and to do that, I need to be the healthiest that I can be.